This newsletter assumes you already know Selfie 101. Arm out! Angle up!
If you want to scroll down to Selfie 201 Instructions, feel free, but like a modern recipe blog post, I’m going to include a mini-essay first.
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The inevitable question from people when you post travel pics without pictures of yourself will be, “All the food and scenery is great, but what about you?”
Blech.
Anyone over 22, do you feel me?
I’m still traumatized from the 80s, when the yearbook photo DEFINED YOU. As a self-conscious teen in Alabama, I set my alarm for 5 a.m. every morning—in training for picture day—to wash, dry, and set my hair in a 100-degree bathroom.
Only to have my desired OG Charlie’s Angels hair flop in half an hour. Only to get perms. Only to fry my hair further with Sun-In. Only to look like Orphan Annie. Only to cry when the photos come back and Mom puts the largest one in a frame.
If I never had to look at another picture of myself for the rest of my life I’d be fine with it, but—
—part of my trip quest and this Substack is to try things without caring so much, which might mean finally learning to accept my face. Because:
Still, why not learn a few tricks to look your best? RuPaul would be the first to say it.
I’m here to try new things! So when a selfie instructional video pops up in my Insta feed, I stop and write down all the steps, as if creating an instructional handout for my students.
Then I set out to selfie. First, the instructions. Then the results.
a. On the opening screen, scroll right to Portrait.
b. Once in Portrait mode, a sextagon-shaped light icon shows up. Touch and rotate to “Contour Light.”
c. Lower the exposure. (You do this by tapping the object on screen you want to highlight in the picture. In this case, you.)
d. Take selfie. (Selfie 101: Arm extended! Arm up! Face to the side!)
2) Edit the photo.
a. Open the photo. Choose Edit.
b. In Filter choose Dramatic.
c. Go to Adjust. Now do the following (Instructions go from left to right. You’ll have to figure out the icons for yourself).
i. Decrease Highlights by -60
ii. Increase Contrast +18
iii. Increase Brightness +8
iv. Adjust Noise Reduction +15
The Results:
For these photos, I took a few snaps to avoid obvious terrible photos, but not more.
I tried three different locations in one morning. Left is the “before.” Right is the after Selfie 201 editing. For the second photos I also avoided looking straight on.
The left pictures are every yearbook photo I’ve ever had. Ever.
Round one: Morning and I’m sitting on the sofa and no makeup. This is me keeping it very real. Aside from all the filters in the second pic, of course.
Round two: At the café. Before leaving the house, I brushed my hair and made sure to fix two things I know make me look bad in pics: a lumpy part (combs! they work!) and the bald spot in my eyebrows (Voila! Eyebrow pencil). I have on tinted face sunscreen. I’m still in my ugly glasses that are supposed to be for falling asleep reading in bed only but I forgot to change.
Round three: I put on eyeliner (not that it shows) and remembered my not terrible glasses (that shows). The background is a silver of the Berlin Wall in an outdoor park.
That last photo I actually like! I look a little washed up, I mean, “out,” but I’m getting somewhere.
My apologies to the city of Tirana, who now thinks I’m the world’s worst narcissist.
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